This was a tiring watch. I'll come out and say it right off the bat. Highly predictable, never suspenseful, and utterly boring. This would have been prime for an episode of MST3K, making it Joe Estevez's third film on the show (yes he's in it). Let me remind readers- other than being visually beautiful, I hated Avatar. It, too, was boring and essentially a rip off of Fern Gully. I can get harsh. So understand that while I'm not always looking for "the perfectly done film", as a critic, I tend to evoke high standards. There are even movies cheesier, more disturbing, and filmed even more poorly than this that merit nice words. As does this one. If anyone has ever seen Dead Alive without watching the credits, I doubt they'd guess that guy would go on to direct The Lord Of The Rings. Peter Jackson came a long way. Best of luck to The Caretakers director Steve Hudgins.
The premise of this story, while taking a different road in the town of Vampire, still lacks any serious intrigue. Instead of the fair, long-living creatures of night as our main focus, those who care for vampires when they are most vulnerable are spotlighted in the Big Biting Pig Productions (www.bigbitingpigproductions.
com) feature. They live to serve, and maintain, and clean up the mess. They bring in "shipment" of young willing sacrifices to feed a "pure" vampire. Our plot thickens when miss vampire loses her poor meatball when somebody sneezed. One of the young sacrifices named Rachel (Brittney Saylor) is rescued by Jimmy (Michael Coon), a young boy from her youth. But not before she is bitten. His borderline psychotic affection for her works in her favor when his stalker-like tendencies lead to him witnessing her kidnapping. But now she craves blood (So far I'm sensing some similarities to Return of the Living Dead 3. But Melinda Clarke is way hotter). To avoid attention, our pure vampire Catherine (April Jennings) makes it her caretaker's (Nick Faust) job to find her, while training two new caretakers at the same time.
There are more sub plots and side stories than the movie Crash. Here's where I have something good to say. They all successfully led up to everyone's "now". Random flashbacks helped provide a little more clarity on why some of the characters came to this outcome. We're given very little backstory on our leading characters, and more history for our secondary characters. We also have obligatory albino girl. If they wanted to add some type of bad ass-creepy factor with an albino, they should have found an albino. Instead, they dressed up the actress (Jessica Dockrey) with a wig, god awful white pasty makeup, and contacts. Unnecessary. Also, putting aside any appeal to the actors themselves, we were in desperate need of a better makeup crew. Yes, you successfully made Rachel look tired, drained, hungry, and angry. And Jimmy looked nervous, scared, beaten up, and bloody. But everyone was so shiny (maybe a lighting problem?- camera lens?). Ooh- and caretaker Jack's unibrow was the first thing I saw and it became highly distracting. I did enjoy the green and red side lighting used together. Not something you commonly get outside at night in a park, but uh... visually .. it was purrrtty.
Aside from my extensive bashing, and Hudgins' undying love for close ups, the story itself is acceptable and runs well. I will always give credit to a film that doesn't leave me wondering "Wait-what happened to the guy before when...". Having said that- Here's my semi-spoiler alert: films can give you more closure when plots resolve in minutes. And when people die. Abruptly. It's great. No waiting, credits roll, and you're done! So this wasn't my cup of tea, but any vampire fanatic who wants to see a different perspective that thankfully does not include sparkles or gorgeous majestic immortals- try it on for size. It's also fabulous if you love to riff here is their Amazon link to the film,
reviewed by Corinne