CLINGER (2015)


"Clinger" brings us the epitome of low-budget, high-effort campy high school romance-turned nightmare. Fern (Jennifer Laporte), in her effort to make it into MIT athletically, gets distracted by  Robert Klingher (that's a name-stretch, no?) while she is training for her running meet. Robert  (Vincent Martella) has clearly harbored feelings for Fern for some time. Thus, a cliche romance beings. However, Robert's obsessive affections prove too much for Fern, celebrating each week anniversary with teddy-bear gifts, and annoyingly catchy love song originals. It's still stuck in my head- and haunting my dreams, so kudos to Director Michael Steves for that successful bit of horror. Fern, who feels she needs to redirect her focus back to her college goals, decides to end the relationship, only to witness a brutal accident which results in Robert's decapitation. But you guessed it- Robert comes back.

The "love ghost" of Robert haunts Fern. It's only at his passing that Fern feels she may have had something good with him. Her two-sided feelings towards his return as a ghost and their rekindled romance are nerve-wracking enough. Not to mention, they somehow have sex. And not even good sex. Not even convincing sex. Patrick Swayze and Demi Moore made pottery look like good sex. This was just awkward- with the most unnecessarily disgusting.. um.. climax.
Ultimately, Fern decides to break off the human-ghost relationship-thing..amajig..eroni. Robert, knowing his existence as a love ghost is based on her, concludes she cannot leave for MIT.  Finally, to keep her affection for him, he decides she must die as well.

So I'll honestly say- for a kick starter film, this wasn't a bad watch. Not my usual horror preference of course, but if you're a young high school student with an interest in campy somewhat comical love-horrors, here is your film. Based on some of the acting- it seems that may have actually been the intention. Our gym-coach/ghost hunter definitely supported the comedy; as did the job-less entrepreneur sister. There are levels of campy a film can deliver. You have your general horror- with the chick runs up the stairs when she should go out the front door, and the couple with no care for a thing that smokes, drinks, and has sex- all general ingredients for the teen horror. Oh and boobs. Usually you'll see boobs. Then- there is the so campy, we made it comical film. In these, reference to the absurdities previously mentioned are clearly made known. The Evil Dead movies, (also Evil Dead: the Musical!) are prime examples. "Clinger" is the type of movie that seems to be ridiculously campy, but watching it- it's hard to fully determine if that was the intention or if the horror was just poorly executed. When making that type of decision, stick to your guns, directors! This had potential to be hilarious.

As usual, I'll give my horror genre spoilers for those interested: No boobs. Not even potential for boobs. Actors are too young to have even possibly wanted some boob. A decent amount of blood, but splatter action is more like a water balloon popping than an actual body splatter. Not enough deaths. Easily acceptable willing suspension of disbelief. I've seen worse effects. Acting was mediocre, but not bad. If nothing else, Vincent Martella (plays Robert) is also the voice for Phineas on "Phineas and Ferb". So there's that. Enjoy.



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